Younger Gal Fancies Older Men
In short, I am attracted to only older men.
I am 18. Since about 17 I have been wildly drawn to only older men. Also, I am rarely attracted to people on a daily basis, but the few times I am, it's older men. The people in my life joke that I am asexual, but I just mention this to explain how very rare it is that I develop an attraction, connection, let alone a crush.
I can appreciate that people or younger guys may be "good looking" or a "type", but I don't feel any attraction or sexual pull, so to speak.
In the past 2 years these are the guys that I am STRONGLY attracted to:
39 year old professor at my college
45 year old cook in the restaurant where I work
29 year old waiter in the restaurant where I work
28 year college student/friend
The men that I am VERY attracted to are 10 years plus older than myself.
I have a good relationship with my father. Kind of rocky family history. No sexual abuse. One same age ex of 3 years who was like a best friend. A very emotionally abusive, player same age ex.
I am very mature, have a great deal of "life experience", advanced in my education, determined, self-sufficient, an old soul in every way, and very stable.
I just can't see why I went from only thinking 'boys' (and when I say boys, I mean skinny, hairless, teenage boys) were attractive and could not fathom the idea of being with a man of 20. While now, I can only be enthralled by older rugged, sexy, muscular, mature men with facial hair, very few wrinkles, life experience, success and intelligence. It is truly night and day. I have always had a hard time being attracted, but when I was is was boys and boys only, now it's men and men only. I can't see what is wrong with me.
I don't find it odd, but I do feel I am perverted or strange when girls my age ridicule girls who are with older men. I hate the "gold digger" label or the "she needs a father figure" label. I just am. Older women say how distrusting and perverted men who would date young girls are and how desperate and sick the girls are.
That's also my delimia I am sooo young. Not 25 young, but 18, barely legal. I feel that older men would not take m seriously or try to baby me. And honestly, what kind of older man would date a girl of my age if not for sex, stature, a "trophy wife", or " some one to boss or take are of"?????
Also, I want to just date. NOT looking for serious relationship.
Adding on to that, my parents think I am CRAZY for being attracted to older men. They think it is sick.
I am so conflicted. People say all these negative comments about younger women and older men, but I just don't connect with boys my age. In my two past relationships they were so immature and lacked focus and direction. They had no concept of responsibility or their future.
I am even insecure to approach older men because I think that they may see me as a child or innocent.
Please let me know if I am insane. I have not the slightest idea how to address this situation.
My answer:
Thank you for your thorough explanation of what is going on with you. Most people sends me a short paragraph and expects me to miraculously give them a "just right" answer.
Let me start by saying you are not insane or somehow "off" in your thinking. I had the same issue at 18 (am now in my forties) and know exactly how you feel. If I can strip it for you to the base bones: you feel the need to skip a development stage and move into the settled, secure stage. You want to be what most people are at 25-40.
What are the implications? Every stage of life gives you the opportunity to develop certain sets of skills and is therefore necessary. In your teens you need to be immature, directionless and to start to develop an independent individuality. In your late teens/early twenties you need to experiment with different situations, people, tastes, looks, ways of thinking, ext. Your personality is now clearer but still developing, and this is the time for making mistakes (and learning from them), being wild/tame/learning/experiencing/being one thing now and being someone else next week. (nothing crazy but I'm sure you know what I mean) Now is the time to test-drive yourself so that you can find out: I am mostly this, a little bit of that and less of that. Yes, you know who you are but true learning happens by actually doing. The trick is to not make life changing decisions during this time (becoming pregnant/getting married/or anything that takes you off-track from your future)
So, the question now is this: Is dating an older man bad for you? If you can do it in the light of the above concept of experimenting, then it is fine to do it and see if that is what you are seeking. But know this: Older men are not only looking for the usual trophy but are also wanting to re-do (or be stuck in) a stage through you - the maturity you are seeking are actually immaturity.
Most importantly: you need to figure out why you need and want the more mature. What specifically is pushing you away from your own age group? Make a list. Every item on your list is an issue you need to pay attention to. What happened to you to make you feel that you should not/could not identify with those items? What will happen if you interact with the items on your list? How will you cope with it?
Another angle: what is the payoff for you to not to be ....? (something on your list) Feeling more in control, superior, mature?
By now you probably realize that this is not a clear cut issue. There is not a simple answer, but I hope I've given you something to work with and think on. I can also suggest that you need to look a bit further than your immediate circle of friends to find someone (closer to your age) that are not what puts you off but more of what attracts you. You can't be the only more mature 18 year on the planet!
If something I said struck a cord (or not), please let me know. I would love to know how you think on this and what direction you choose to take from here.
