Jokes about men

A selection of jokes about men and the silly mistakes they can make.

The top 50 reasons it’s great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
8. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
9. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
10. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
11. Your last name stays put.
12. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
13. You can kill your own food.
14. The garage is all yours.
15. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
16. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
17. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
18. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
19. You can write your name in the snow quite a bit faster and more legibly.
20. Chocolate is just another snack.
21. Flowers fix everything.
22. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
23. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
24. Foreplay is optional.



25. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
26. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
27. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
28. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
29. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
30. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me”
31. The world is your urinal.
32. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
33. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
34. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
35. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
36. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
37. If you retain water, it’s in a water bottle.
38. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
39. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift or food.
40. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
41. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell you friends you’ve changed.
42. All your orgasms are real.
43. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
44. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
45. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
46. Adult movies are designed with your brain in mind.
47. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
48. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
49. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different?”
50. There is always a game on somewhere.

Some Men are Like ...

Puppies:
They're cute at first, but you soon tire of picking up their crap.

Remote controls:
Chances are you'll find them lying by the TV.

Parking spaces at a popular mall:
The good ones are all taken.

Computers:
In order to get their attention, you must first turn them on.

Fine wine:
They take a long time to mature.

Oatmeal:
If they sit too long, they become lumpy.

Mascara:
They run at the first sign of tears.

Silverware:
They on appear only when there is food on the table.

Cats:
Only moving objects get their attention.

Dogs:
They take up too much space on the bed.

Fish:
They're easy to catch with food.

Text Messages:
The shorter the message, the easier it is for them to understand.

Bees:
They like to pollenate more than one flower.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"
The girl said: "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after ... and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and watched TV whenever he wanted.

Relationship advice for daughters about men:

• Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
• Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
• Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
• Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
• Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.

To leave Jokes about men and return to the simplified dating advice Home Page, click here.