A selection of funny jokes about internet dating and all that can go wrong with internet dating.
The “risks” of online dating …
You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
Her server rejects your e-mail not as ‘undeliverable’ but as ‘unlikely to get you anywhere.’
After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword when she learns you’re worth 45,000 points.
‘Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again.’
Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her orgasms.
You can barely make out your lover’s face in the JPEG she sent because she’s obscured by her 25 cats.
He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast! at cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.
She’s suddenly changed her address to comingout at lesbian.com
Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious ‘tubby at whitehouse.gov’
In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she’d pretended to be.
Be careful for what you wish for …
Hopeful suitor joined a computer-dating site and registered his wants.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly.
It sent him a penguin.
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
I’m like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!
Coffee, Chocolate, and Men – some things are just better rich.
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
Willing to lie about how we met!
Where’s “Clever Opening Lines for Dummies” When You Need It?
How many more frogs do I have to kiss to find my prince?
Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
Ready for the three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
Girls are like phones. They like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected.
Tired of shopping the Damaged Goods department.
I’m the best singer in my car!
Looking for a man with a large bulge– in his back right pocket.
Finding a good man is like nailing Jello to a tree!
I’ll jump on Oprah’s couch for you!
What it really means:
40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No boobs
Average looking = Ugly, can only be loved by mommy
Beautiful = Pathological liar, airhead
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat, hates men
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very “friendly” person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open Minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy Drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large Frame = Hugely Fat
Needs soul mate = Stalker
Are computers male or female?
Male, because …
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
Female, because …
No one but the original creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The message, “Bad command or filename” , is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”