Borderline personality disorder

by Anonymous

My husband and I dated for 3 years and have been married for 3 years. During the time that we dated, I noticed that he had emotional ups and downs, but he was still able to manage his life and I was always "good" in his eyes (Many who have borderline see people as completely good or completely evil - and this can change moment by moment).

After we got married, he began going back and forth regarding his feelings for me (one minute, I was Satan herself and the next, almost godlike). Every time we'd get in a fight, he'd threaten to go "find another woman" who would do or not do whatever it was we were fighting about (borderlines have major abandonment issues - he fears abandonment so much that he'd rather push me away first).

He also began having fits of rage. He'd be perfectly calm and happy one moment, then his computer would have a glitch and he'd start throwing and breaking things in the house to vent his anger.

Things weren't always bad - his mood would change moment by moment, so when he wasn't telling me I was evil, and wasn't throwing things, he was incredibly sweet and kind to me. He would become an amazing listener and basically be my dream husband.

Needless to say, the mood swings became too much for either of us to handle (I think the stress of him being in school full time made the problem worse), so he saw a psychiatrist. After trying out 4 different medications, we found one he's not allergic to and is affective at keeping his moods stable.

The problem is that our relationship is still dying. He seems to just float through life now. The bizarre behavior is gone, but so is his passion. He is hardly ever interested in me (as in, he'd rather spend his time doing a thousand other mindless things than be with me). He doesn't like talking to me anymore (or listening to anything I say), and he doesn't do any of the sweet things that made me fall in love with him.

He no longer threatens to leave me every time we get in an argument (in fact, we no longer argue, because he won't talk to me about anything). When I bring things up, he either ignores me or tells me I'm stupid for being concerned about it.

I'm glad I don't have to worry about him breaking things in the house, but I don't see how our marriage can last forever if things stay the way they are now.

I guess I feel lost. How can I get back the man I fell in love with without getting the anger and violence too?

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

By the way, we have a toddler and a baby on the way.


My answer:

My heart goes out to you. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you after dealing with the intensity of this disorder (hate and love) to now having a husband that just floats through life. How lost and alone in this you must feel.

However ... you are still dealing with this disorder. Just a different side of it. You need to take a step back and look at your situation with a practical and realistic eye. Please go back to his psychiatrist and tell him what is happening now and ask for advice. (it may be as simple as changing the dosage of his medication or as involved as more treatment) Don't give up and just accept.

I would also (very strongly) suggest that you seek counseling for yourself. This is a very heavy burden to carry (especially with 2 young children) and you need help to keep yourself strong and healthy emotionally. You need someone "outside the situation" that will help you to keep things real. You need to pay attention to your self esteem since this kind of disorder will chip away at your sense of self.

You will also need help in (re-) establishing a mutually satisfying relationship with your husband, since you can't go back to where you were before.

Don't give up. You've been through a lot already, and although I can't tell you it will be easy, there is always hope. Reach out, get help, keep being pro-active. Contact me anytime, even if it is just to offload a bit.