A selection of blind date jokes to highlight everything that can go wrong with a blind date.
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with a college friend.
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Bob, “I’ll be with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Alex says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!” and fake a heart attack.”
That night Bob knocks at the girl’s door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.
He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts “Aaaaaauuuuggghh!” and collapses with a heart attack.
Ways to Get Rid of Your Blind Date
- At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
- Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
- Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
- Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
- Repeat every third third word you say say.
- Brag about your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
- Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
- Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
- Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
- Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
- Order a bucket of lard.
- Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
- Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
- Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
- Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
- Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
- When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
- Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
- Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
- Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
- Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
- Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
- Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
- Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
- Ask your date how much money they have with them.
- Order for your date. Order something nasty.
- Communicate in mime the entire evening.
- Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
- Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.