Battle of the sexes jokes

Battle of the sexes jokes to remind us of the sometimes amusing differences between men and women.

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married … You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating … He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married … He says "It's your job."

When you are dating … He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married … He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$2000 for a female brain, and $5000 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they've been used."

What she really means:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you’ll be so sorry
We need to talk = You’re in deep trouble
Sure, go ahead = you netter not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

What he really means:

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = let’s have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their bedroom making love to a beautiful, young woman!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children!?!
I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story:

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. She looked so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

A female brain cell once entered the skull of a man. She found nothing.
A bit nervous, she cried: "Is there anybody in here?" No answer.
She cried out again, as loud as she could: "Is there anybody in here?"
Then she heard a faint, distant cry: "We are trapped down here!"

We now know what the average male brain looks like, here is the dissected female brain:

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